Getting all geared up for a Cards/Rangers Seriezzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zz…..

Really, it’s a couple exciting teams, but who cares?  This most exciting bit about this series for me would be the opportunity to continue referring to Lance Berkman as a fatass for a couple more weeks, but that schmuck went and lost a bunch of weight in the off season, so that fun is out the window now, too.  He’s still ugly, so I guess that’s some consolation.

Anyway, here are some of my predictions for the series:

1.  Albert Pujols leaves the Cardinals after Game 4, wooed away by the likes of (get this) the Yankees AND the Red Sox who combine forces as the only congolmeration in baseball who can afford his $734 million per year salary. 

2.  Texas goes down in flames, sending Josh Hamilton into a tailspin of drugs and alcohol and godlessness.  He is eventually reigned in by who?  The Texas Rangers (the cop kind) in an ironic turn of events.

3.  Josh Beckett and John Lackey show up in the Rangers bullpen with a keg, a bottle of Jager, and an XBox.  Alexi Ogando and Neftali Feliz both end up staggeringly drunk.

4.  Neftali Feliz, fuled by Jager and a particularly rousing game of Madden (that’s right, they’re not even playing baseball games) throws the first ever recorded 157 mph fastball.  Unfortunately it is off-line and punctures a hole in Matt Holiday.

5.  Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee sue ESPN for over-use of the term Motte-ly Crew when referring to Jason Motte and the Cards bullpen.  The judge rules that Sixx and Lee did not invent the term, nor did ESPN add in the unnecessary uumlats, and throws the case out of court but fines ESPN for being a bunch of assheads anyway.

6.  St. Louis wins in 6.  Not because I can justify it in any way, just becasue they do.

Contribute!!  What are your predictions for the series?  Best prediction wins a thing that I’ll promise to send, but likely never get around to unless you bug me about it enough that I actually remeber to dig it out of the closet.