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THE TAMPA BAY RAYS ARE BACK IN FIRST PLACE IN THE A.L. EAST!!!
And what a wonderful thing that is……..
To our loyal and devoted fans let me say one thing….we’ve let you down and I personally apologize. We’ve failed you. We’ve been lazy and absent and unmotivated and sleepy and unresponsive. All amidst a wonderful little run that put us back ahead of the hated Yankmes. In all we’ve been bad hosts, compatriots, friends, comrades, and (worst of all) fans.
BUT NO MORE!!!! No more, I say, because we’ve been called to action! One of our myriad followers and fellow lovers of the Rays has come humbly to ask for assistance where she could find no other champion to take up her cause. While we were sleeping, the unofficial voice of the rays fans has been comandeered and polluted by none other than joemaddonsucks.com.
Oh, Mr. Sucks….why haven’t you responded to our challenge of a joust? Perhaps horses and long pointy thing make you uncomfortable. If that is the case, then please choose your challenge…..boxing match? drinking contest? break-dance fight? dodgeball? dog-sled race? Anything to please make you shut your damn trap about how Joe Maddon sucks. Waaaaa waaaaa sabremetrics waaaa know-it-all waaaaaaaaaaaaa.
So what if Joe switches up the lineup at will? We’re winning games! A shitload of them if you haven’t noticed! I couldn’t care less if he was dropping chicken bones into a bowl of goat blood to choose the line up. And I couldnt care less if those chicken bones told him to pull Benoit and put in my Aunt Ethel. The fact of the matter is that I’ve (and you’ve) spent exactly zero days managing so much as a girl scout softball team and he’s worked his way around the league and earned this position and our trust more than any manager in our past.
So seriously….you choose the challenge…and the venue….I’ll just bring myself and Joe and we’ll sort this all out. And meanwhile the Rays will win. A lot. You’re going on the list Mr. Sucks. And believe you me, I hate to do this to another Rays “fan” (if that’s what you are). So here’s my new top (bottom) five:
- Red Sux (1 and 2 are as fluid and interchangable as the Rays lineup)
- The I-4/275 junction
- Mr. Sucks
- Fire Ants
And to all of our recently disappointed fans, we’re recommitting ourselves to your consistent entertainment. We’re more clearly aware, now, of the immense responsibility that we hold as the bastions of all that is good and right and sarcastic in the Rays world. We realize now that you all look to us for your daily dose of refreshing, in-depth, hard-hitting news and analysis of any damn thing we feel like talking about.
Thank you to Rhianna for the inspiration and motivation to put the cape back on. We now make our lightning-fast phone booth change from mild mannered couch potatoes to unauthorized, unabridged, unapologetic, unwavering, unimaginable, unstoppable, unconstitutional, unbelievable superheroes.
Besides. Lance Berkman is a fat-ass. And two weeks is 13 days too long to go without addressing that.
Reid Brignac…Walk-Off Homer…Bottom of the 11th! This is from a fellow Rays fan, St. Petersburg local on Facebook, “AND A FEW THOUSAND YANKEE FANS WALK IN A DEJECTED MANNER BACK TO THEIR VEHICLES … AND DRIVE BACK TO THEIR HOMES …. OVER THE HOWARD FRANKLIN …”
Don’t miss “New Guidos on the Block” singing the National Anthem and collectively throwing out the first pitch before tonight’s Yankees game. It’s “Guido” night at Yankee Stadium tonight…well, as it is every night I suppose…anyway, the first 10,000 fans will receive a free 20 oz. bottle of Ed Hardy Self-Tanner!