Back in September 2010, an almost (still) relevant Morrissey made controversial comments about people of Chinese descent. These comments alluded to people of Chinese descent as being a subspecies of the human race for one reason or another. Now, whether you agree with him or not is not the point; I think we can all agree that he’s a washed up old curmudgeon with foot in mouth disease, who’s often bigoted opinion should be held in the same regard as other historical fictional characters like Archie Bunker or Rush Limbaugh. Though I don’t agree with his comments in the least, had he taken into consideration a whole sector of society that supersedes race, religion, and age…one that by and far exemplifies all of the characteristics that make up a subspecies, his arguments wouldn’t have been nearly as controversial.
That sector of American society? The Boston sports fan. For the purpose of this anthropological study I’ll focus on the attributes of the most unsavory Boston sports fan, the stereotypical Boston Red Sox fan.
A subspecies is commonly defined as, “A subdivision of a species of organisms, usually based on geographic distribution. The subspecies name is written in lowercase italics following the species name. For example, Gorilla gorilla gorilla is the western lowland gorilla, and Gorilla gorilla graueri is the eastern lowland gorilla.”
The stereotypical Red Sox fan is a living, breathing, almost walking, and almost talking anthropological case study of a subspecies. The stereotypical Red Sox fan has the gait of other primates that are genetically close to humans such as the gorilla, and their inability to pronounce the letter r in the context of a word is endearing to them and only them. Both of these, uh, attributes (???) are exaggerated at the drop of a hat.
Their inability to string together a cluster of words into what is commonly known as a “sentence” is impeccable and almost admirable in its single-minded tenacity. In kind, their inability to form a relevant thought finds them frequently relying on the volume of their voice rather than the content of their argument. It is not uncommon to hear the stereotypical Red Sox fan incoherently yelling something that resembles a thought-out statement at the top of their lungs, only to watch them turn left then right for the validation of the said comment by other members of their pack. And no friends, their mannerisms, gait, and speech patterns cannot be blamed solely on an over consumption of alcohol. Rather the alcohol consumption stands as a magnifier of the stereotypical Red Sox fans unsavory traits.
The stereotypical Red Sox fan geographically clusters itself around other stereotypical Red Sox fans, be that in their homeland of Boston, or in the satellite locations of any given sports bar or sports facility. It is not uncommon to see these sub-humans nomadically roaming the grounds of any given sports facility, listening keenly for the obnoxious cries of their kin. And though the stereotypical Red Sox fan defies age, race, and creed, one can assume that this sub-human shares an uncanny resemblance to Kevin Youkilis or John Lackey. Dare I say that I almost felt sorry (that is until they opened their collective mouths) for these assholes…sorry, Massholes, as the Rays sunk (ESPN’s words, not mine) the Red Sox last night, 7-2.
And what a performance the Rays put on last night! First, let’s talk about Wade Davis.
Davis, who started the night with a 4.50 ERA, was the last pitcher on the Rays roster you’d expect to throw a complete game. Watching Davis pitch nine innings last night was a treat. In the end, Davis gave up two runs (both earned) on six hits, with no walks and eight strikeouts. The only real trouble Davis got himself into came in the sixth when Reddick scored on a Ellsbury single to second, moving Saltalamacchia to third. Saltalamacchia then scored on a Scutaro sac fly to center. Davis ended the night lowering his ERA to 4.36.
On the flip side, John Lackey lasted all of three innings and 69 pitches when a 2-1 line drive off of the surprisingly hot bat of John Jaso (2-4, with a three run homer and a double) knocked him out of the game early. Lackey gave up five runs (all of them earned) on five hits including a two out, three run John Jaso bomb to right center in the second. Lackey improved his ERA from a paltry 6.11 at the start of the game, to a robust 6.30 by the end of his three inning tenure. He must have been pitching with his mouth open again. The Rays tacked on two more runs off of Atchison in the sixth when Jaso scored on a Brignac double to center. Brignac then scored on a Longoria ground rule double to left.
Though the Rays left seven on base throughout the course of the game, it was great to see them score seven runs on nine hits. It was also great to see that with the exception of Desmond Jennings (0-5, three strikeouts) all of the Rays got on base, and of them all but Kotchman (0-2, two walks and one run) got at least a hit. In a move of hilarity, Lackey walked Kotchman in the second only to get beaten up by Jaso who followed.
Tonight the Rays, who are now 5.5 games out in the wildcard race, will attempt to beat up the Red Sox for the second game in a row. Rookie of the Year candidate Jeremy Hellickson (12-10, 2.90 ERA), who’s coming off of a complete game win against the Orioles, will take the mound against Kyle Weiland (0-1, 6.75 ERA). Starting lineups to come later. Go Rays!